Meet Your 2010 Phils Playoff Squad

Starting Pitchers:

SP Roy Halladay - His real name is Harry Leroy Halladay (you can't spell "HERO" without HaRry LErOy)

SP Roy Oswalt - READ THIS ENTIRE STORY!: In 1999, when Oswalt was with the Class A Michigan Battle Cats in the Midwest League, he suffered an apparently serious shoulder injury. After a month of pain in his upper shoulder, Oswalt was convinced that his shoulder was torn. Shortly thereafter, he was checking the spark plug wires on his pickup truck. He touched one of the spark plug wires, causing the truck's engine to start. The truck's electric current flowed through Oswalt's body, and consequently the muscles in his hand tightened on the spark plug wire. Unable to let go of it, Oswalt grasped the wire for almost one minute. Oswalt then claimed his foot slipped off the truck's bumper and he was finally 'thrown off.' After the electric shock, Oswalt told his wife that his shoulder's condition improved and that he no longer felt any pain. According to Sports Illustrated, he reported it thus to his wife: 'My truck done shocked the fire out of me, and my arm don't hurt no more.' Apparently, the electric charge loosened accumulated scar tissue in the shoulder. Oswalt claims he has not felt any pain in his shoulder since the incident."

SP Cole Hamels - His real name is Colbert. How the heck could I not have known the real names of two of our three aces?

Bullpen:

RHP Joe Blanton - 1st Round draft choice (24th overall). We're not asking him to win any games or hit any homeruns... again.

RHP Chad Durbin - ... Or get a save & an RBI in the same game, as Durbin did in '07 (stud).

RHP Jose Contreras - Dude was the ACE for the White Sox in 2005 when they won the World Series. He went 3-1 with a 3.09 ERA.

RHP Ryan Madson - "Mad Dog" is the "Bridge to Lidge", plus I'll never forget my man's fastball went up like 3 mph in '08. The kid steps up in big spots. Can't wait to see what he does with experience.

RHP Brad Lidge - "Lights Out" is the all-time leader in strike-outs per 9 innings with 12.2. He's another 1st round pick taken 19th overall in 1998 out of none other then Notre Dame. He no-hit the Yankees in '03 (was one of six pitchers [details, details]). Only Jesus Saves More Than Lidge.

LHP Antonio Bastardo - He's 25, left-handed, and is undefeated in 2010. He was born in Hato Mayor, Dominican Republic (which makes him the mayor as far as I'm concerned). I dare you to call him a bastard!

LHP J.C. Romero - Juan Carlos won 2 games in the '08 World Series for the Fightins. That's 50% of the first Championship for our boys in the last 25 years. I'll take him (he's also left-handed :).

Starters:

C Carlos Ruiz - Chooch stole home plate against the Cincinnati Reds in '07. Oh, and there's this: "He hit .302 with eight home runs and 53 RBIs in 121 games. Of the 18 catchers in baseball with 400 or more plate appearances this season, Ruiz ranked second in on-base percentage (.400), third in batting and OPS (.847), fourth in doubles (28) and ninth in slugging (.447). But just as important, he ranked fourth in catcher's ERA (3.31)."

1B Ryan Howard - The Ryan King hit 200 homeruns in 658 games, which is faster than any other Major League Baseball player in history. That means if you go to watch the Phillies play a series you're almost guaranteed to see the "Big Piece" go yard.

2B Chase Utley - This former Batavia Muckdog exclaimed that the Phillies were "World Phucking Champions!" after the '08 season and proceeded to get hit by a Major League record 24 pitches in '09. Harry Kalas said it best when he professed: "Chase Utley, YOU. ARE. THE. MAN!"

Jimmy Rollins - James Calvin, or J-Roll, appeared in many MC Hammer videos in the '80s. How can you not like a guy who did that AND he had this to say about Barack Obama: "Even though he supports the White Sox, I forgive him… It didn't strike me as strange to campaign for the guy who'll raise my taxes. If raising my taxes a little helps America become a better place then I'm all for it. You have to build from the bottom."

3B Placido Polanco - "Polly" was the MVP of the '06 ALCS with the Detroit Tigers. He didn't commit an error in 2007. He DOES NOT STRIKEOUT.

LF Raul Ibanez - Rauuuuuuuul has hit 232 homeruns in his career. Good enough to be #235 all-time. In response to a question about taking steroids he said: "You can have my urine, my hair, my blood, my stool—anything you can test. I'll give you back every dime I've ever made if the test is positive." Respect.

CF Shane Victorino - The Flyin' Hawaiian can run from the right-handed batter's box to first base in 3.7 seconds (that's insane).

RF Jayson Werth - The Animal has stolen home plate, hit 8 RBI in one game, and once hit in an all-time record 9 consecutive games.